LeGuin’s Precepts to Guide Your Conversations
Conversations can be challenging. They can be about important issues and it is hard not to let emotions come into the picture. You might exchange some heated words. You might say things you regret later. You might even come away from the conversation having not said anything at all.
How do you make sure you have productive conversations? Use LeGuin’s precepts.
Fabled author Ursula Le Guin had a sign over her desk:
- Is it true?
- Is it necessary or at least useful?
- Is it compassionate or at least unharmful?
Is it true?
I can recall several conversations where I have said things that were not factually correct. They might be opinions. They might have conclusions based on the wrong data. I don’t remember why I would say things that weren’t strictly true — maybe it was to make a point or not to be embarrassed at the moment — but this first question is a useful guide to how you should be having productive conversations.
Base the conversation around facts. And if something isn’t true, don’t say it as if it is. Say it’s your opinion. Or draw the participants in and help you come to the right conclusions based on the data offered.
Is it necessary or at least useful?
When I consider this question, I think about one of the tricks from Sarah Cooper’s book 100 tricks to appear smart in meetings. One trick is to convert percentages into fractions, or fractions into percentages. If someone says 66% of workers need an office chair, someone else (not you hopefully) chimes in to say that’s 2 out of 3 workers that need an office chair. It does not add to the conversation.
Don’t be that kind of person at work.
Before you say it, consider how it would be necessary or useful.
Is it compassionate or at least unharmful?
One thing I’ve learned after having many arguments and heated debates with friends, family and loved ones is harmful words are not productive at all. Saying someone is stupid or doesn’t know a thing about board games only makes that individual withdraw OR dig their heels deeper into their position. Ad hominem attacks rarely work — have you ever insulted someone and immediately after you insulted them, they have changed their position?
Be compassionate or at least don’t harm anyone as you are having a conversation.
Let’s zoom out because I think it’s important to understand what conversations are based on these guiding questions:
- A conversation is a place to add to the collective truth. Everybody has, as Susan Scott says in Fierce Conversations, a colour they occupy on a beach ball. But without all the colours, you don’t have the whole beach ball (the truth).
- When you engage in a debate, first lay out all the facts before making conclusions. Unfortunately, there are times when you get into an argument and you are working off the same facts but have made different conclusions and because of your initial disagreement, you never align on the same set of facts.
- Remember the purpose of the conversation. Argument with your partner? You are still a couple so you can’t burn all of your bridges. A heated debate with a boss or coworker? You still work for the same company and will continue to do so even after the debate.
